This is not another blog about parent who relishes in their quiet moments and talks about how it’s priceless in their eyes… not this is another blog post about mental illness.
The quiets moments are rare. They sometimes catch you off guard that you don’t always get to appreciate them with the full passion that they deserve. But when you realize you are within those moments they become priceless in your collections of memories. Why? Because they are like a currency for you mental health bank. With mental illness the bad days sometimes pile up. The anxiety attacks and the lack of motivation become prevailant because of debt you have racked up in your mental health bank. Those good memories and those quiet moments become priceless. They are priceless because they are there when you need them most.
Sometimes those moments come buy directly because of your mental illness ticks. For me I have anxiety and i have inkling that I also have depression. Something I have been fighting to get checked out. It’s more of a if they don’t identify it it doesn’t exist kind of mentality. Anyway because of that a side effect of everything is hyperfixation. I can’t just like something. I fixate on it sometimes for days, other times for week or months. There have been two things that I know I have fixated on for years. But these fixations, while sometimes bad because they distract from the root of the problem, also give me quiet moments where I don’t feel heavy in the chest and nauseous or I don’t feel a lack of motivation for life. Those fixations sometimes give me the push I need to keep going and okay with waking up.
My two fixations that have lasted for years is Harry Potter and Cats. Yeah some will say, “everyone have their favorite things” but I know that I fixate on it. I can go into holes looking up cats things. I can go on a rampage looking how to perfectly create a Harry Potter classroom. (I was able to execute that very well thank you very much). But you see this fixation throws me in holes that are priceless because anxiety goes away just for a moment when I looking up things or hunting down that perfect Harry Potter shirt.
I fell into a priceless moment today. I was feeling anxiety about work. I tend to always do. I realize that my job sets off my anxiety. I love what I do but in order to do it without feeling sick I need to get medical help and find ways of distraction to not let my anxiety take away from the job and happiness I found it in it. So in midst of my anxiety about work, with medication not working to subdue it, I stumble upon a crocheted lions head from that Harry Potter movies that my favorite character Luna Lovegood wears. I fall into a hole of looking to buy it. All of them are too much, so I decide to make it. I have the skills to crochet but I can’t do it often or as fast because of the pain in my arms. Either way I found myself in a priceless, blissful moment of peace. My anxiety was gone as I started making that lion head’s hat. I know this fixation will keep my for the next month while I make it.
So in this rant is goes to say while you can’t always control your mental illness, sometimes they come with certain side effects that are becoming of priceless moments that will give you peace.
So I say good night as I set down my crochet hat unfinished, for now, and crawl into bed watching Harry Potter marathon.